a few chance thoughts
by Erin Ellis
Summary: He muses over something he doesn't have, something he never could. And no, it's not who you think. A bit of spoiler for the end of the manga.


I walk to the door and pause. I know it's time to face him, but I won't-- not   
just yet. It's not that I'm reluctant, or even a question of desire. After   
today I will begin a new path, and thoughts of it cloud my mind... but not so   
much as thoughts of the old. Or perhaps, of just one prominent figure.  
  
From across the courtyard, I see her bustle about, enter the dojo. Even after   
all this time, watching her move is fascinating. Her steps are at once light   
and purposeful, her movements graceful and spartan. It's kind of ridiculous...   
it's very ridiculous. What right have I to love her? It would never work, for   
one. It's only a crush. One I've held for years...  
  
Of course, she doesn't know. I don't think anyone knows. I hope no one   
knows... It's not like we act all that incredibly close. From the first time   
we met... well, she was just an annoyance the first time we met. But there was   
something about her, something that struck me even then... struck, and snagged,   
and grated against. At the same time I admired her: her rejection of society's   
norms for what her heart told her was right, her courage in the face of danger,   
her undying loyalty to those she deemed friends. Her strength, different from   
mine. Maybe better.  
  
In time, the admiration turned to affection, and then to something more. I   
buried the feelings under a mask of antagonism, finding it easier to bicker than   
deal with such dead-end feelings. I could never tell her-- she would laugh, or   
worse, not know how to react, and I'd never be able to face her again.  
  
And then there's him, the most concrete reason I don't allow my feelings to run   
away with me. He, who I've yearned to be like, strived for acceptance from.   
He, who she loves so completely and fully. He, who betrayed that trust, who   
hurt her the worst.  
  
Only once did I ever see her broken. When he left-- it hurt us all, but she was   
devastated. She wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep... She was a mere shell of the   
vibrant personality she'd been days before. I swore in that instant, never to   
allow her to feel that hurt again. Even if it meant bringing back the one who   
hurt her. Even if it meant giving her up. Because she was more important. And   
we did bring him back. And he came back.  
  
And that's why I can't hate him now. Because he recognizes the hold she has on   
him, and finally, finally, he acknowledges the one he has on her. He cares for   
her so much, a quiet love so unassuming that even I didn't notice it until it   
was too late. Too late for what, I'm not sure-- it was too late for me from the   
beginning. I knew I didn't have a chance before I even realized I wanted one.   
And now it is hard to think of her without thinking of him. Of course, certain   
things... certain people serve as a reminder of that. Kenji is so strong, in   
body and spirit. So like them both...  
  
No... I would never want to destroy what they have. Or, for that matter, what   
I'm gaining myself. But-- that doesn't stop me from dreaming sometimes...  
  
"Yahiko?" She looks at me, her gaze questioning but warm. "Kenshin is ready."   
The old hag is beautiful, and I'll always think so. I owe her so much... I   
would do so much for her. And now I can't not act.  
  
I stand and move to her, pulling her into an abrupt embrace. She is surprised   
but yielding as my lips lightly brush over her forehead. The chaste kiss of a   
brother.  
  
"Kaoru," I begin, not really knowing where the statement is going. I want to   
come clean, tell her how I feel, how I've felt. It seems right that before I   
go, before I effectively finish my training, I reveal all to my teacher.  
  
But no, Kenshin is waiting. Tsubame is waiting. The world is waiting. It's   
time to grow up and move on. And I realize this is something she's taught me as   
well.  
  
I release her and smile. "Thank you." I lift my shinai from its resting place   
against the wall, and walk to the dojo, leaving her stunned in the doorway. And   
I can face him, now that I've faced myself.  
  
I open the door.  
  
+ + +  
  
a few chance thoughts  
a rurouni kenshin vignette  
by erin ellis  
  
+ + +  
  
[notes]  
  
+ Did you guess???  
+ Yes, I do like random pairings; I thought there was too many fics just   
involving the same few people (says the girl with a K/K fic...), and this was   
something I'd never seen done. I don't think it's -impossible- for Y to have a   
crush on Kaoru... improbable, maybe, but impossible? No.  
+ Oh, and it's right before (manga) Yahiko fights Kenshin for his sakabatou; I'm   
assuming he's going to go off and have a house and family of his own, elsewhere.  
+ Definitely was too lazy to really clean up the text from two years ago...   
sorry.  
+ Didn't like the pairing (as it was)? be happy you didn't get Megumi and   
Shishio, or some other pairing equally as ridiculous. . .  
  
eme 25.3.2000 - 26.8.2002 


End file.
